I have completely redone my blog. The layout is different, the theme is different, and all content written in the past has been deleted. I decided that I wanted to start fresh. My old look wasn't very interesting and it didn't accurately portray my personality. I hope you like the new look!
I figured that an appropriate first post on my "new" blog would be one about my eyebrows. Why? Well, because my eyebrows are controlling my life. They come up in conversation at least once a day and they are slowly possessing me with their demonic powers. My eyebrows are the biggest pain in the ass. My list of problems with them is endless. I figured I would share some of the problems here today.
1. To begin, my eyebrows are incredibly light and therefore it is imperative to the health of daily observers that I fill them in every morning. Considering I dye my hair black, it is incredibly important that I fill in my nearly non-existent blonde eyebrows. This probably does not seem as tedious as I am trying to convey, but no words can accurately describe the treacherous torture that I endure whilst trying to make my invisible eyebrows a dominant characteristic on my face.
2. Secondly, my eyebrow hairs are way too short. I want long, luscious eyebrow hairs that blow in the wind as I walk down a sandy beach in Barbados. Instead, Satan himself has cursed me with tiny eyebrow hairs that look very similar to trimmed pubes. They are terrible.
3. Lastly, my eyebrows have no shape whatsoever. They are naturally flat. This is not okay with me. I dream of beautifully arched eyebrows every night. Why can I not achieve this without selling an organ? I have worked for months trying to reshape my eyebrows. I have finally managed to create somewhat of an arch, but I am still thousands of years away from achieving my goal eyebrow shape. The dinosaurs will be cloned and Stephen Harper himself will rise from the pits of hell before my eyebrows are perfect. I have seriously looked up eyebrow surgery before. I am desperate.
You may be thinking that I am simply getting overdramatic due to the recent eyebrow phenomenon. More and more we are hearing about "eyebrow game" and Tumblr is full of pictures of beautiful eyebrows. If you believe this, you are wrong. My unshaped, blonde, pube-like eyebrows will haunt me until the day I die, and then they will continue to torture my lost soul while I rot in the depths of hell. I need to fix my eyebrows in order to be a happy individual.
So, I figured that I would show you some horrific pictures of my eyebrow journey. I apologize for any blindness that may occur due to exposure to the most heinous selfies ever taken. I used to be tremendously ugly. We all have rough patches, judge lightly.
2011
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| Don't stare too long, you'll develop a hernia and die. |
Anyway, as you can see here, I used to pluck my eyebrows to be very thin. I don't know why. I was delusional. I thought it was cute. NOT CUTE. As you can tell, I had no shape. There were completely flat, thin, and ugly. It wasn't until my second year of university (about a year and a half after this picture was taken) that I realized I looked like an infected penis. I went to a salon, they screamed in horror, but thankfully gave me advice on how to thicken my abhorrent eyebrows.
2012
2012 was a much better year in the eyebrow department. As you can see, my eyebrows grew in much thicker (pictured right). Here you can easily see my natural shape. Yes, these eyebrows are tamed, but generally, my eyebrows are very flat. You may also notice that I got 100% more attractive within one year.
Note that this picture was taken before I began filling in my eyebrows.
This picture (pictured left) was not taken very long ago. I would say November 2013, at the latest. My eyebrows look very similar to what they looked like in 2012. However, I had started filling in my eyebrows at this point. So, my eyebrows better match my hair colour.
I don't think my eyebrows look bad here, I do, however, hate them. This picture perfectly demonstrates what I mean when I say my eyebrows have no shape. LOOK AT THEM. They look like they're planking on my face. They make me look innocent. I do not want this. I want to look like a stone-cold foxy lady with arched eyebrows sharper than a steak knife.
Here is another photo from 2013. I decided to include it to further show the shape of my eyebrows. Please note that I was in desperate need to get my eyebrows done. I had just finished exams and therefore heavily resembled Chewbacca.
Here is my last image. It was literally taken two days ago. You may or may not have noticed that I have slight arches in my eyebrows. It's a miracle, right? NO. This eyebrow is literally drawn on. I have not shaved my eyebrows, but that entire shape is fake. Because of this, it is incredibly hard to replicate everyday. I probably have different eyebrows every time I leave the house. I wouldn't be surprised if people thought my eyebrows were washable tattoos that I continuously failed to put on everyday.
I should also note that my eyebrows look like they were thrown in a blender when they have not been filled in. They literally look fucked. They are so thin because I had to try and make somewhat of an arch. The thickness is primarily drawn on.
WELL, it appears that we have come to the end of my dreadful eyebrow journey. I am still no where near my goal eyebrows. Will I ever achieve my goal? Probably not. I must have been an asshole in my past life. This is what I deserve.
If anyone has helpful advice on how to reshape my eyebrows, that would be greatly appreciated. My goal is to have beautiful eyebrows, I will not sleep peacefully until this goal is achieved.
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